After Umbara
by Kallamae
Summary: The events on Umbara were hard, especially for a certain smuggler turned Alliance Commander. Sketches of how she is trying to handle it.
1. Chapter 1

The aftermath of Umbara hasn't been easy. I'm still hoping for a "good" reason behind it all, but Ennali isn't really acquainted with optimism. If for some reason, you haven't played through the Crisis on Umbara story, there are spoilers ahead.

* * *

"Commander!" A young woman jogged up as Ennali tried to leave Alliance Command. "Admiral Aygo said to deliver this to you." She passed over a datapad that probably held another report. Ennali looked down at it. Yep, another one. Too many words to tell her that they still didn't know where Theron was.

"Got it." She used the datapad to give a halfhearted salute to the woman. Another for the collection. She doubted there would be time for a report when they got a real hint of where he might be. They would expect her to run after him. And then what? No one really talked about what might happen then. Prison? Execution? Would they expect her her do it?

She threw the datapad into her quarters. She could (might) read the whole thing later.

oo00oo

Ennali attached Theron's picture to the target board.

The range had been cleared for her use. Shooting things was a great way to take the edge off some of the frustration. Of course, there were more enjoyable ways too, but that wasn't really an option anymore. He was gone.

She rolled her shoulders as she walked to the firing line. She could do this. He was gone.

Her hand shook as she raised her blaster. Even at his stupid picture. "Blast," she said and realizing the horrible pun, she let out, "Damn It!" She had always been a steady shot. Calm under pressure, precise even when she'd had too many. (Nico had practiced that particular skill with her.)

She took a slow, deep breath and closed her eyes. Nobody beat her. Nobody. She'd destroyed the damned "immortal" emperor for stars' sake. Her hand stilled and she opened her eyes and fired. The shot went wide. Gritting her teeth, she tried again. Wide again. And again. Over and over.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. She just needed a minute to re-focus, to calm down. Nerves be damned. He was gone. She owed him nothing. Nothing.

Another miss.

With a growl she stomped over to the target board. Burn marks made an almost perfect halo around Theron's picture. She shook her head. If she couldn't even make herself hit his picture, what would she do when they finally caught up to him.

"What now?" she whispered. She rested her forehead against his image for a moment and then realizing what she was doing, jumped back.

She'd always been hesitant to share too much. It came with the job; moving questionable cargo required discretion. She'd known more than one Captain who lost it all after sharing too much to the wrong person. Usually in bed.

Theron had always been the one she talked to, the only person she'd really confided in, shared everything with. But he was gone. Who was she supposed to talk to now?

Bowdaar? He'd more than earned her trust, as much as she could believe in trust at all anymore. But she couldn't really imagine deep, soul-searching conversations with him. And with his work for the fighters still stuck in the pits on Zakuul, he had enough to worry about.

Vette? Maybe some of the effusive joy would rub off, but she didn't really know her well enough to share anything so close. The girl was practically a stranger.

Gus? He was loyal, but she couldn't see him as a real sounding board. Even the thought of it almost made her want to laugh.

Lana? There had been a distance since Rishi. Yavin and Ziost had narrowed it. And she was grateful for everything Lana had done to get her out of carbonite and off Zakuul, but she wasn't naive enough to believe the Sith had pulled off the rescue without expecting to gain something. Ennali had been out in the galaxy enough to know that deals with Sith always came with strings. Usually strings that were long enough to be strung around a person's neck whenever the Sith decided it was time to "renegotiate."

She tried to shake the thoughts out of her head. This wasn't working. Everything was tangled in a knot and picking at a thread only pulled it all tighter.

The door that led out of the range slid open. "Drink?" Nico asked as he poked his head in.

Ennali just stared at him.

"No talking, just drinking. Let's see how long those serving droids can go without a recharge."

At least it would give her a few hours away from this. "I'm in," she said.

Nico led the way to the cantina. They started hard and finished harder. She couldn't remember the poor private's name who ended up being responsible for ensuring the Alliance Commander made it safely back to her quarters.


	2. Chapter 2

Pooling blood started to reach her boots. Ennali had the presence of mind to ask herself what kind of blaster bolt just cut and didn't burn? But as soon as she looked down, all her composure shattered. That was Lana's blood. A lot of blood. Too much blood. It melded into the red spots creeping into her vision.

She pounded against the shield. Sparks bit into her her fists. Theron just watched. His icy expression never cracked. Since shooting Lana and the controls that raised the damned shield, he'd just watched. No emotion, just a blank stare. She hit the shield again. As futile as it was, she kept hitting it. There was nothing else she could do. "You said you loved me!" she yelled.

"That doesn't matter. I won't let it get in the way," he answered with a careless wave of his hand.

"In the way?" She swallowed back a bitter mix of anger and pain; it tasted like blood and vomit. "You said you wanted this. All of this. The Alliance. Me," she finished in a soft, cracking voice and pressed a hand to her chest. She couldn't feel her heart beating even though her jacket wasn't very thick.

"And now I don't. The Alliance needs to be broken; it's corrupt. I'll admit it accomplished its goal of dealing with the Eternal Empire. Now, though, it's just made you a symbol of oppression."

"What?" Ennali shook her head as the words bounced between her ears, but wouldn't make sense. Were they even Basic?

"It's over."

She hung her head. "Did you ever love me?" she had to ask.

"Of course," he drawled. "That's why I didn't shoot you. The train and everything on it will disintegrate against the mountain. Don't worry; you won't feel a thing." He turned and started walking away.

"Theron!" She pounded against the shield again. "Theron."

He didn't look back.

Everything exploded into blackness.

oo00oo

Ennali yelled and shot awake. The sheets were twisted around her legs. Sweat made her clothes stick to her skin. She couldn't suck down any air. The walls were closing in.

The door crashed open and Bowdaar roared. His eyes quickly scanned the room, looking for what had prompted that scream.

Her breaths were coming too fast. He'd never seen her like this before. She was usually ready to meet everything with a smirk and a lot of swagger. He guessed the betrayal of a lifemate was something that could shake anyone.

She waved him away. With breaths closer to normal she said, "I'm fine."

He glared at every corner of the room and then looked back to her.

"Nightmare," she admitted. "Really. Just a nightmare. I'm fine." Maybe if she kept repeating it, it would be true.

Lana burst into the room. She brought her lightsaber up just in time to deflect Bowdaar's shot. The Wookiee hadn't waited or looked, he'd just spun around and fired. The deflected bolt shattered a mug.

"Alright." Ennali pushed the tangled sheets away and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. "First, I'm fine." She stood with her hand against her hips. "Second, stop fracking shooting up my room. Third, that was Theron's." She looked at the broken pieces of the mug and frowned. There was no use for it anymore; he was gone. "So it's just as well," she said in a softer tone.

"I felt..." Lana began.

"Nightmare," Ennali said again. She ground her teeth. "As you can see, I'm fine. So now, get the hell out so maybe I can get some rest before the next crisis."

"If you're sure," Lana said, but made it sound more like a question.

"I'm sure."

Bowdaar assured her he'd be just outside if she needed him. Lana was more reluctant to go.

Ennali crossed her arms.

"We'll find him," Lana said gently.

"I don't bloody care," Ennali quickly countered. "He left." She threw her hands up. "He more than left. He tried to kill us and then left." Her hands fell limply to her sides. "And still, I made a pathetic plea for him to come back; he didn't. He could have talked to me; he didn't. He could have just said that things needed to change, he didn't He could have asked me to leave all this and I would have, but he didn't." She let out a slow breath. "I never asked for any of this. You all decided to make me your damned Commander and I'm tired of it." She leaned against the room's small table. "It's cost me _everything_."

"It's been difficult for us all," Lana tried.

"No!" Ennali flung her arms out. "Name one person, one single person here who's had their heart ripped out."

Lana's shoulders slumped. What was Theron doing? He would never have wanted to cause Ennali pain. She knew how he felt about her; she had sensed nothing to make her think that had changed. She couldn't believe she was wrong about it; it just wasn't possible. That much, at least, was clear.

Ennali raked her fingers through her hair. "Find someone else," she said with a shake of her head.

"What?" Lana asked sharply.

"Term limits," Ennali said. "I'm done." She started grabbing clothes out of a dresser and shoving them into a bag. "Find someone else."

"No one else could have accomplished what you have," Lana reminded her.

"So what? Past tense." She rubbed her temples. "It can be someone else's turn now."

Lana opened her mouth to reply but was cut off by a ping from the terminal. Ennali moved to the screen and flicked it on. It seemed too bright and she raised a hand to shield her eyes.

Lana arched an eyebrow.

Ennali's jaw clenched as she lowered her hand and stared at the message's subject line on the screen: Theron Shan: I love you

She dropped the bag she'd been filling.

Lana caught the glowing words, but didn't address them directly. Things were volatile enough. "We might be able to traced it," she said softly.

"I highly doubt that." Ennali hugged herself.

Lana acknowledged she was probably right. "Aren't you going to read it?"

She shook her head and frowned. "No. I already told you; he made his decision." She turned the screen off. "He doesn't get to twist the knife because he thinks some words might absolve him of something."

"But-"

"No." Ennali kicked the bag she'd been packing and sat back down on her bed. "If you think you might glean something from it that could help the Alliance, it's all yours."

Lana stood very still as the other woman pulled the sheets back over herself. "I'll see you in the morning?" She hadn't wanted it to sound so much like a question.

"Tomorrow, at least." Ennali wouldn't commit to more yet, but for now, it was enough.


End file.
